Effective Strategies for Healing
If you’ve ever been betrayed, you know the deep pain it causes. The wound is directly proportional to the level of trust you had in the person or entity that betrayed you. The more dependent you were, the deeper the wound, making it hard to recover from the damage.
What is Betrayal Rumination?
Betrayal rumination isn’t an official diagnosis, but it’s a term coined by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, a renowned psychologist who has done extensive research on betrayal trauma. Rumination is the act of replaying negative events or experiences over and over in your mind without any problem-solving benefit. It’s like thinking for the sake of thinking, and what you’re thinking about causes you distress. With betrayal rumination, you have thought spirals about how someone or something has harmed you and betrayed your trust. It doesn’t have to be a person; it could be an institution you’re dependent on, like your workplace. The emotions associated with this kind of rumination are typically shame, anger, or sadness.
Understanding DARVO
Dr. Freyd’s research highlights how betrayals can shatter our sense of safety and trust, leaving us vulnerable to a phenomenon she calls DARVO.
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It’s a manipulation tactic often used by those who have abused or betrayed us to deflect responsibility for their actions and maintain control. Here’s how it breaks down:
- Deny: The abuser denies the wrongdoing or minimizes its severity. They may say you’re exaggerating, misremembering, or lying. They genuinely believe what you’re alleging didn’t happen, or if it did, it wasn’t that bad. Statements like “You’re blowing things out of proportion” or “You’re too sensitive, I didn’t mean it like that” are common.
- Attack: The abuser attacks your character, credibility, or motives. They may even blame you for provoking the abuse or betrayal with statements like “You know how to get under my skin” or “You’re always starting a fight with me, you just don’t know when to quit.”
- Reverse Victim and Offender: The abuser assumes the victim role in the situation, twisting things to look like they were wronged.
How DARVO Causes Betrayal Rumination
Being betrayed can make you struggle with self-doubt, and the DARVO tactics ramp up those feelings, making it even harder to process the betrayal and move forward. DARVO can erode your self-esteem and confidence, increasing your rumination as you try to make sense of the conflicting information.
Effective Therapy for Betrayal Rumination
A viewer asked about the best therapy for betrayal rumination, mentioning that Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) didn’t work. While CBT focuses on identifying and challenging negative thought patterns, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) addresses the problem from a different angle.
With ACT, you’re not suppressing or denying your thoughts and emotions. Instead, you learn to accept them and create space for them without letting them control you. Here are four specific ACT techniques to address betrayal rumination:
- Notice and Name: When ruminative thoughts and emotions arise, acknowledge them. Say to yourself, “I am feeling [emotion]” or “I am having the thought that I’m worthless because I was betrayed.” Simply noticing and naming your thoughts creates distance between you and the emotion or thoughts, reducing their power.
- Defusion: This involves seeing thoughts as just thoughts, not as truths or facts. They’re not commands and don’t define us. Try techniques like imagining your thoughts as leaves floating on a stream, or repeating them in a silly voice to trivialize the thought and make it less impactful.
- Acceptance: Instead of fighting or suppressing difficult emotions, allow yourself to feel them. Breathe into them, notice the sensations in your body, and give yourself permission to experience them without judgment. This mindfulness practice connects you with the present moment by observing the sensations in your body using all your senses while you experience these emotions.
- Connecting with Your Values: Identifying what truly matters to you helps put things in perspective and allows you to move forward. Reflect on your core values—whether it’s family, honesty, or compassion—and think about how you can live in alignment with them, despite the betrayal you experienced.
Moving Forward
Remember, healing takes time and it’s not always a linear path. Be patient with yourself, seek support from loved ones or a therapist, and keep practicing these ACT techniques. You have the strength to move through this and emerge even stronger on the other side.
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