Children learn by example. Parents can tell their children all manner of “dos” and “don’ts,” but what they learn is what they see parents do. Most children have learned how to lie by age 3 and are lying several times a day by age 6. Parents may actually encourage their children to lie by telling them to thank grandma for the ugly shirt “so you don’t hurt her feelings.”
Children learn to lie by listening to and watching their parents. They notice when parents call in sick to take a day off. They catch us out — sometimes embarrassingly — when we criticize family or friends at home then act nice in person. They watch us drive over the speed limit. They hear us make up a story at the store so we can return an item without a receipt. Adults use lying to cope with their own foibles and to fit in socially. As a society we may view lying as immoral and repellent, but studies have found that, socially, people who regularly embroider the truth are perceived as friendlier. Adults consider small fibs a normal and necessary part of social discourse (see our August 14 blog post).
Children hear their parents lie every day. While adults differentiate between little white lies, which we deem socially acceptable, even socially necessary, and big, hurtful lies, children do not. They see the world in black and white, right or wrong; there are no shades of gray in a young child’s mind. When adult behavior doesn’t match our admonishment that lying is wrong, our children are confused. They are unable to distinction between adult behavior and child behavior. Children strive to emulate the adults in their lives. If those adults regularly lie to other adults or to the child, children will perceive lying as acceptable, not wrong.
The problem, of course, is that even though we engage in small fibs ourselves, we take offense and feel betrayed when someone — including our child — lies to us, even when the lie is small. Lying degrades trust and trust is the bedrock on which strong relationships are built. Once trust is lost, it is difficult to regain. Suspicion can linger for years. Even if it’s painful, most of us would rather be told the truth. Perhaps that’s the lesson we should be teaching our children.
Let me know what you think