What are coping skills? Coping skills are the thoughts and behaviors you engage in that help you manage distressing situations. They can be divided into emotion-focused and problem-focused.
Emotion focused coping skills help you feel better, but they don’t change your situation. They help you manage your reaction to the situation. Problem focused skills are best for situations that you have some control over because they can help you solve the problem or minimize it.
Here are some examples of negative or unhealthy emotion focused coping skills:
- Using alcohol or drugs to escape your emotions
- Comfort eating
- Blaming other people or self-harm like cutting yourself or pulling out your eyelashes
These are negative coping skills because the relief they provide is very temporary and they can create more problems for you.
Here are some examples of positive or adaptive coping mechanisms:
- Getting support from a friend
- Meditation
- Distraction through activities like exercise or gardening
- Journaling
- Reframing the situation to focus on the positive aspect of it
- Venting or having an emotional release like screaming in your
Here is a download of more positive coping activities. Click the image to download.
Problem-focused coping skills are better when it’s a situation that you may be able to change with your efforts. Examples are improving your time management, setting limits with people or with your time or exploring solutions.
How are coping skills related to defense mechanisms?
Coping skills are the things that you do on a conscious level to deal with distressing emotions. Defense mechanisms occur on an unconscious level, meaning you are not always aware of what you’re doing to deal with the inner conflict. You may become aware that you’re doing it, but usually in the moment, it’s more of an automatic reflex.
The psychological defenses are divided into three categories. Primitive, less primitive and mature. Primitive defenses are considered immature and childlike. They are normal responses in childhood, but as we mature, we’re supposed to adopt more of the mature defenses.
Some personality types employ more primitive defenses. Borderline personality is one such personality. In fact, the name borderline comes from the concept that the personality is on the border between neurotic and psychotic.
Psychological Defense Mechanisms
| Primitive | Less Primitive | Mature |
| Acting out | Displacement | Assertive |
| Compartmentalization | Intellectualization | Compensation |
| Denial | Rationalization | Sublimation |
| Dissociation | Repression | |
| Reaction formation | Undoing |
We strive to respond to stress and inner conflict with mature defenses. But under extreme stress we may revert to some of the immature defenses.
It’s not a big deal if you do it from time to time, but it creates relationship problems and stunts your emotional development when you employ them under most circumstances. Primitive defenses lead to negative coping strategies. Going back to the example of borderline personality disorder, one of the characteristics is using self-harm as a coping strategy.
Stay tuned for more on the defense mechanisms.
Here’s the video on projection.
Hi! Thank you for this! The download links is not working. How can I get the sheets? Thanks!
Age and wisdom. I think CBT is important and essential for learning to cope with trauma or loss. I think learning to keep things in perspective, maintaining clear boundaries, and an open mind helps. It takes practice and patience. Be kind to yourself.
Thank you for your insights. I am a former professor of English and Education at a small private liberal arts college. I have been ostracized by my daughter, and denied contact with my two grandsons for seventeen years during which time she has not spoken to me except when my son, her brother, died. Her words were few and less than warm. Iterestingly, she is a prominent clinical psychologist. We enjoyed a close, enjoyable relationship prior to her marriage. When the nightmare began, the only research on the topic I found was a book by Kipling D. Williams, Ph.D. (2001) Ostracasm: The Power of Silence, now the seminal book on the topic. During years of therapy over the anguish, I saw several psychiatrists and psychologists and was astounded by their lack of knowledge or understanding of ostracism.
After several years some publications began to appear in journals and articles, nearly all grounded in William’s work. New research is often comprehensive, sometimes not, and recently I discovered some You Tube videos on the subject.
I am finally able to begin doing my own research and writing about the pernicious anguish of being the target. Because I greatly respect your insights into mental health issues as well as your articulate explanations of complex disorders, I am wondering (hoping,) that you will present your findings on the unending, irreparable,emotional, personal, social damage incumbent to this crippling practice that impacts the entire family.
Again, I thank you for your overarching dedication to the impact of sometimes hidden mental health problems while emphasing coping skills.
Suzanne F, Ed.D.
Hi Dr.Foglesong. Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry you’ve had this experience. I talk a look at his work and this topic and see if I have something to contribute. Thanks for the suggestion.
Thank you for responding. I now have 20 years of research on the short/long term effects of ostracism. I now have the emotional distance and perspective to begin writing for mental health professionals, targets, attorneys, and the courts. I remain bewildered about how little is understood about this life-shattering practice, and the damage to families this ultimate rejection causes.
I have so many thoughts I’d like to say but they seem to be scrambled and scattered all over so I’m just going to say this thank you for making videos that I can now reference to or share
information to other people, so they can have a better understanding of what I am going through and have been through all these years. Needless to say, I ve been an emotional reck/ sponge all my life, which is now debilitating. I don’t leave the apt. and I depend on my husband to do all the running around. My adult children are concerned I’ll never be person I was when I was younger. It’s such a relief to hear critical information explained so eloquently as you do. So again I thank you and thank the spirit within you to providing vital info for the sake of other people’s well being. With my emotional state I find it difficult to listen to people that give me information only to ask me in the end for money to get more of the information. I’m so relieved I found someone (meaning you) that u feel secure enough to start seeking therapy again. I just have one question and that is what is your view on oral stimulation and anxiety? Saw an ad claiming that a whistle was not something oral that’s you put in your mouth to help with anxiety and also possibly stop smoking. It would be great to see a video on that addressing that information whether it’s it helps or it doesn’t help what not thank you so much and have a great day.
Marilyn
Thank you Dr. Marks for the information. However it is 50 or 60 years to late for me to utilize. My way of coping was to withdraw and shut down. I’ve had a very sad and unproductive life. People such as yourself were not available back in the day, but I am so happy that you are in a position to help the youth of today.
Very helpful…all I heard and read!
Thann you Doc!