Break Free from the “Should” Trap: How to Stop the Negative Comparisons

In today’s world of endless social media feeds and curated highlight reels, it’s incredibly easy to compare ourselves to others. This constant comparison fuels the voice in our heads that tells us all the things we “should” be, do, and have.

Where Do “Should” Statements Come From?

While social media plays a big role, the sources of our “shoulds” run deeper. They stem from:

• Family Expectations: The things we learn from our families about success and fulfillment.
• Societal Norms: Society’s invisible rules about life paths and milestones.
• Past Experiences: Internalizing past criticism and holding onto self-doubt.
• Perfectionism: The relentless inner critic that never thinks we’re good enough.
• Peer Groups: Pressure to keep up with friends or conform to their choices.
• Education and Work: Expectations within competitive environments
• Religious/Spiritual Teachings: Moral ‘shoulds’ that can lead to guilt or self-judgment.

What Are “Should” Statements (And Why They’re Dangerous)

“Should” statements are those rigid thoughts demanding we hit arbitrary life milestones or hold ourselves to unrealistic standards. Examples include:

• “I should be married by now.”
• “I should be a better parent.”
• “I should be able to control my emotions.”
• “I should have a more exciting life.”

These statements erode our self-esteem and create a false sense of how the world works.

5 Steps to Break Free from the “Shoulds”

1. Identify Your “Shoulds”

Start by journaling about the most common “should” statements that plague your mind. What areas of your life do they target?

2. Question Their Validity

Here’s where we get really deep:

• Who set this standard? Is it truly yours, or influenced by others?
• What’s the evidence? Are you being fair to yourself, or ignoring your progress?
• Is everyone the same? Remember, there’s no single timeline for success or happiness.
• Is this “should” helping you? Is it bringing you closer to your ideal life, or just causing anxiety?
• Is it flexible? Life is messy–are you holding yourself to an impossible ideal?

Challenge the very foundation of your “shoulds” to loosen their power.

3. Reframe Your Thoughts

Turn “shoulds” into more compassionate, realistic statements:

• Instead of “I should be married,” try “I want a loving relationship, but focusing on quality over timelines.”
• Instead of “I should have a better job,” consider “I’m striving for a career that’s fulfilling and meaningful to me.”

4. Focus on Your Values

What truly matters to you? Let your values guide your goals, not external expectations.

5. Practice Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself. Acknowledge the effort you put in, even if it doesn’t match someone else’s journey. Here’s an exercise:

• The Gentle Friend: If a friend had your struggles, what support would you offer? Now, give those same words to yourself.

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