Our relationship with our parents, particularly the opposite sex parent, significantly influences how we choose our companions. It’s commonly said that women marry their fathers and men marry their mothers. There is a lot of truth to this.
When a person has a bad experience with their parent such as emotional absence or constant criticism, they can consciously say they do not want to be with someone who treats them the same way and set out to find the opposite person. However at an unconsciously level they can be attracted to those very same characteristics.
Why would this be? Why would someone purposely choose to be with someone whose behavior they loath?
Well, first of all it’s not purposeful; it’s beyond the person’s awareness. Let use an example. This person is fictitious, yet similar to many people I have seen.
Sam has been engaged to Sally for a year. They have put the wedding on hold because of continual problems, most recently the knowledge that Sam has been unfaithful. Sam has been seeing Rachel on the side for the past 9 months. Sam says he loves Sally and had no intention of getting involved with Rachel but “it just happened.†In fact, he said he was about to break it off with Rachel just before Sally found out.
Sam said he finds Rachel exciting, but describes her as a superficial “gold digger.” She also criticizes him and he frequently has to “put her in her place.” On the other hand, Sally is kind, self-reliant, attentive and frequently praises him.
Months pass and Sam is still involved with Rachel – despite his frustration with her and despite his not wanting to lose Sally.
As for family background, Sam describes his relationship with his father as somewhat distant as his father traveled frequently with his job. He describes his mother as controlling, critical and pretentious. He said “she uses people to get what she wants, even her own children.”
Can you see the similarities? Rachel is mom; however Sam would have never thought he’d want a woman like his mother. He recognized that Rachel behaved in similar ways, but couldn’t understand why he was so attracted to her despite the irritating things she did.
What was wrong with Sally? Nothing. Sam could never find a negative thing to say about Sally – except their relationship lacked the excitement that he had with Rachel.
This isn’t the answer for everyone, but for Sam, he was attracted to Rachel because despite her objectionable behavior, this is what he was used to. Rachel’s behavior was familiar to him. Sally’s was not. So although he hated her criticism and superficiality, it’s what he knows best as he experienced it from his first female love.
Sometimes we can repeat relationship dynamics, particularly ones that were injurious as an attempt to now conquer and overcome the injury as an adult. In Sam’s case, as a child he could not control how his mother treated him and was not able to stand up for himself. Instead, as children do, he endured the pain and continued to strive for mom’s love. In contrast, with Rachel he is able to fight back and “put her in her place.” There’s a certain gratification he gets from mastering this dynamic.
It turns out, Sam has had several Rachel’s in his past. Sally has been the first of her kind. It’s going to be difficult for Sam to get out of this cycle because his attraction to the familiar makes it hard for him to be attracted to women like Sally. Sam admits he finds Sally boring. With help, Sam learned to let go of his need to undo his earlier insults by repeating the relationships so he could focus his energy and attention on embracing the right person for him and enjoying the unfamiliar.
Let me know what you think