There’s a saying, “If you don’t have anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.” There is merit to this statement and can work well in casual relationships. But with people who are close to you, if you often have little to say about their accomplishments, you can fall short of being a supportive friend.
People like being around people who make them feel good. I think if you frequently have trouble finding something positive to say, you need to examine yourself. Are you overly critical? Are your standards for acceptance too high? I’m not saying you should lie or be disingenuous. But is it really that hard to find something good to say?
For example, suppose your friend redecorates her home. You walk in and immediately notice you hate the loud purple color of the walls. This in addition to the mismatched furniture lead you to believe your friend doesn’t have good taste.How can you find something good to say? You could start by realizing that her “bad taste” is simply not your taste. Even though you wouldn’t have decorated your home that way, doesn’t mean there is not some sense of style in it. You could comment on how much work she must have put into it. If she hired a decorator, you could compliment her on how much patience it must have taken to get to the finished product. You could comment how the boldness of the wall color accents the rug. Even though you don’t like the wall color, it still may be striking or rich-looking.
It takes more work to think of positive things to say in a situation, but with practice, it can come more naturally. In this example, if the friend asks openly “do you like it?” You should still be honest if you don’t. But honesty doesn’t have to be brutal or hurtful. You could say, “this isn’t my style”, or “I wouldn’t have picked this for me, but it does stand out and I can see how you put a lot of work into it.” Then in searching for something else positive to say, you could switch the attention to her family and ask “do they like it?” If the answer is yes, then focus on how that’s really what matters.
Why do this? Why not simply say what’s on your mind and be honest? You can if you don’t care how you make people close to you feel. And in some settings that’s the prudent approach. But if you want to build people up, take steps to think of positive things to say and be generous with the praise.
Let me know what you think