What’s Love Got to Do With It? Everything!

Love is the force that binds us, one to another. A husband’s love for his wife, a mother’s love for her child, the love shared by siblings, the love of lifelong friendships — these are the ties that define us as human beings. Love gives us the courage to persevere in the face of life’s challenges. It gives us the resilience to bounce back from disappointments and comforts us in times of tragedy. Love adds sweetness to life’s successes and allows us to share its joys. What’s love got to do with life? Everything!

So, what happens when love ends? When a spouse or partner dies? Or love crashes on the jagged reef of divorce? The loss of love can have dangerous mental and physical repercussions that exact a toll beyond normal grief. A new study found that the lingering stress caused by the loss of a spouse or partner to death or divorce increased the risk of chronic illness. Men and women who were divorced or widowed were 20% more likely than married people to develop heart disease, diabetes or cancer, according to a recent survey of 8,600 adults from 51 to 61 years old by University of Chicago researchers.

The ending of a long-term relationship, whether from death or divorce, “really destroys financial assets, and it destroys health assets in the same way,” said University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, a co-author of the study. Financial strain, loneliness and uncertainty about the future create significant emotional stress. For some, the necessity of moving into more affordable housing or housing that is physically easier to maintain adds additional loss to their grief. Divorcing couples must cope with their children’s feelings of loss as well as their own. The duties once shared by two parents can feel overwhelming when only one parent is shouldering the burden. Combined, these things add to the burden of grief that follows the loss of a loved one, creating a persistent, overwhelming feeling of stress.

Over time, continuous stress erodes both our physical and mental health. Stress from grief or marital strife weakens the immune system, making us more susceptible to chronic disease, depression and anxiety. Strengthening existing relationships and building new relationships can help ease the strain, but some people will need professional psychiatric help to weather the storm and deal with their loss.

Widening Generation Gap Strains Family Relationships

Not since the 1960s have old and young Americans been so divided on basic social issues. Vietnam, civil rights and women’s liberation created a deep divide between today’s Baby Boomers and their WWII-era parents. Today the  flashpoints are morality, religion and relationships. The widening philosophical divide between the generations has the potential to drive an uncomfortable wedge between parents and their adult children.

Public opinion results recently released by the independent Pew Research Center indicate a widening gap between the generations. Eighty percent of those polled felt major discrepancies exist between the core values of older and younger U.S. adults. That’s a greater gap than the 74% reported in 1969, the peak in a decade of generational strife. Since 1979, the nation’s perceived generation gap had been fairly stable at about 60% but started increasing during the Obama/Bush campaign.

Different social values and opposing views on morality were cited by nearly 50% of survey respondents as the greatest stressors between the generations. Older adults complained about the younger generation’s sense of entitlement and lack of social manners. Younger adults aged 18 to 29 who expressed wider acceptance of interracial relationships and gay marriage felt contradictory views on family, dating and relationships caused the most generational strife.

Some older adults felt youthful attitudes on family and relationship issues signaled moral decline among the young. Such generational differences may be as much religious as cultural. Two-thirds of adults 65 and older indicated that religion played a key role in their lives compared to about half of adults 30 to 49. Only 44% of those 18 to 29 said religion was important to them. Older adults tended to equate religious beliefs/practice with moral values. However, younger adults more often defined moral issues in terms of social justice and independent from religious belief.

Generation gap issues can create stress, anxiety, even anger between family members that can take a serious toll on family relationships. Open discussion, tolerance and respect for each others’ viewpoints is essential if families are to bridge generational divides. When differences exist between parents and their adult children, it is important to recognize that each adult has the right to make his/her own choices and set the rules in his/her own home.

Learning to Identify Causes of Stress

Life is full of minor stresses. Your son spills a glass of milk. Your daughter can’t find her shoes. The dog throws up on the carpet. The mailman delivers another bill. Your husband announces he can’t make it home to coach the soccer team. The car won’t start. You’re going to be late. You already have a headache – and you haven’t even left for work!

Juggling the demands of home, family and career is a constant challenge. No wonder people feel stressed. What most of us fail to realize is that we are in control of our lives. By taking charge of our lives, we can manage stress  and create a better balance between family, work and fun. But it may take a little digging to determine the true source of your stress. Sometimes the real source of stress hides in our thoughts, feelings or behaviors. For example, the stress you feel about meeting job deadlines may have more to do with your procrastination than actual work volume.

Before you can successfully decrease stress, you have to accept responsibility for your part in creating it. Keeping a stress journal can help you and your psychiatrist identify stressors and discover patterns in your response to stress. It’s the first step to learning how to effectively manage stress.

• Every day note stressful situations or episodes and their cause.
• Write down how the incident made you feel physically and emotionally.
• Note  how your response. 
• Record anything you did that made you feel better. 

Periodically review your stress journal for patterns that indicate coping strategies, including smoking or drinking, over- or under-eating, spending hours on the computer or watching TV, withdrawing, using pills or drugs to relax, sleeping too much, procrastinating, over-scheduling to avoid dealing with problems, or taking your stress out on others.

Once you and your psychiatrist identify your stress triggers and responses, you can work to either change the situation by avoiding or altering the stressor or change your reaction to it by adapting to or accepting the stressor. Try to determine and employ the stress control strategy that makes you feel calmest and most in control.

Next time: Stress management strategies you can use

Stress, Depression Plague Collegiates

College students are feeling the pressure, and they’re not just worrying about grades. Money and relationships are creating as much stress and depression on college campuses as schoolwork, according to a recent Associated Press-mtvU poll of college students on 40 campuses. Of the collegiates polled, 85% reported daily feelings of stress, the Associated Press reported. In addition, 42% said they had felt depressed or hopeless within the past two weeks, 13% showed signs of mild depression, and 11% said they’d had suicidal thoughts.

While 74% of the students were stressed about grades, concern over financial matters ran a close second, worrying 67% of the survey group. Half of the students (52%) were stressed about the economy, many saying that financial problems brought about by the recession could impact their ability to register for fall classes. Fifty-four percent of the students surveyed were stressed about family issues, and nearly half (47%) were worried about finding a job after graduation. Across the board, collegiates felt they were under more stress this year than last year. In all categories, collegiates surveyed in 2009 expressed a 3% to 6% increase in stress levels over their 2008 peers.

Students experiencing high levels of stress said they lacked energy, were having trouble sleeping and/or felt hopeless; but few  said they had sought professional help. At the University of Maryland in College Park, two student suicides within two weeks shocked students last semester, but didn’t seem to change students’ views about seeking help.

“It was pretty scary,” admitted UM junior Aimee Mayer, a psychology major. While she said the university provides students with plenty of information and help with mental disorders, Mayer told the Associated Press, “there’s still a stigma associated with mental health issues and so a lot of people don’t want to go to those services. They feel like they’re less cool or something like that it they go. It’s like a sign of vulnerability.”

That’s an unfortunate attitude because depression can be successfully treated using a combination of cognitive-behavioral therapy, psychodynamic therapy and sometimes medications. When given the opportunity to intervene, psychiatrists can also identify potential suicide victims and help them before they act. Many mental health disorders begin early in life, so it is not unusual for symptoms to emerge under the stress of college life. Parents should talk to their children regularly to gauge their mental health.

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