Dr. Marks Debuts Self-Help Tools for Better Mental Health

You take responsibility for your physical health. You see your doctor when you don’t feel well or something isn’t right, but there are a lot of things you do for yourself every day to stay healthy. You watch your diet, stock up on fruits and veggies, cut back on salt and fats, and take it easy on dessert. You force yourselves to exercise, stop by the gym regularly, walk the dog, take the stairs, and ride bikes with the kids.

It should be the same with your mental health. Just as people sometimes need the help of a medical specialist to deal with heart problems or diabetes or disease, there are times in most people’s lives when they need the help of a skilled psychiatrist to recover from loss or adjust to a major change in their lives or manage a behavior problem. And in the same way that we engage in self-help activities to keep our bodies healthy, we can engage in self-help activities to keep ourselves mentally strong and healthy.

Recognizing the need and interest people have in protecting their mental and emotional health, Atlanta psychiatrist Tracy Marks this week introduced several self-help features and products on her website. Every Wednesday, you can now join Dr. Marks for a weekly educational podcast about mental health issues of general interest. Podcasts can be viewed and downloaded from Dr. Marks’ website; just click Podcast on the toolbar. This week on Dr. Marks Personal Development Tool Chest, the doctor talks about depression and anxiety and offers seven valuable coping strategies. A printable self-help depression and anxiety checklist and worksheet is included for viewers’ personal use. We invite you to tune in every Wednesday as Dr. Marks shares interesting and useful information on how to maintain good mental health and warning signs to watch for if you or someone you love is having problems.

In response to readers’ enthusiasm for the self-help articles published on our website, Dr. Marks now offers three educational self-help CDs:

• Discover How to Relax teaches muscle relaxation and deep-breathing exercises to relieve stress and renew energy.
• Peaceful Sleep combines soothing sleep suggestions with therapeutic music selected to erase tension and anxiety and prepare you for peaceful sleep.
• Peaceful Mind is a soothing aid to stress-relieving, soul-renewing meditation.

Fighting the Out-of-Work Blues

The starting bell in the employment race has always rung in the fall. September has traditionally been the best time to look for a new job. Children start a new school year, freeing parents from daytime childcare duties. Collegiates return to college campuses, leaving stores hunting for replacements. Corporations assess staffing needs as they ramp up new marketing programs. Whether looking for full- or part-time work, most job seekers found success during fall recruitment drives. But that was before the recession and double-digit unemployment.

Today, job searches are taking months instead of weeks. Layoffs have made competition fierce, forcing more and better qualified applicants into the job pool. As job searches lengthen and savings dwindle, anxiety and feelings of desperation set in. Some people frustrated with their inability to find a job that will support them or their family give up and sink into depression.

But the burden is felt not just by job seekers. When layoffs occur, those left on the job often suffer survivor guilt. Those still employed are forced to take on greater work loads, work longer hours and assume greater responsibility, further increasing stress and anxiety. For some, the stress becomes too great. According to the U.S. Labor Department, 251 people committed suicide on the job last year, an increase of 28% over the previous year and the highest number since reporting began.

Losing your job doesn’t have to be a career death knell or plunge you into a pit of despair. Traumatic experiences can be a catalyst for positive change. Psychiatric counseling that focuses on cognitive-behavioral therapy can help you find the silver lining in a layoff or difficult job search. Losing a job can be the impetus you need to abandon a career you don’t enjoy, start a business or go back to school. It can be an opportunity to explore new interests, discover what is most important to you and reinvent yourself in a new career. If you are struggling with a job layoff or searching for a new direction in your life, or if you are feeling depressed and anxious about your job, cognitive-behavioral therapy under the direction of an experienced psychiatrist like Dr. Tracey Marks can provide the support and skills you need to meet life’s challenges successfully.

Parents Must Temper Children’s Dreams With Reality

As parents, we all want our children to be happy in life and succeed. We encourage our children to dream big. We nourish our children’s dreams. We buy our future fireman a fireman’s hat at the toy store and take him to visit the local fire station. We invest in a piano and arrange music lessons for our budding concert pianist. We applaud our yet-to-be-discovered movie star by sending her to drama camp at the local college. We foster our emerging soccer star’s ambitions by signing up for a traveling team. There is nothing wrong with helping our children explore their dreams. It’s one way of letting them “try on” potential career choices to see how they fit. But some parents become so wrapped up in their children’s dreams that they lose perspective and fail to interject a necessary dose of reality.

When they are young, children’s dreams change quickly. Today’s fireman is tomorrow’s astronaut and next week’s rock star. But as children grow up, dreams begin to move them toward career paths. Sometimes parents co-opt their children’s dreams, reliving their own failed dreams or missed opportunities through their children. The dad who always wanted to be a high school quarterback pushes his son into football. The mom who dreamed of winning the lead in the high school play pressures her daughter into drama.

When parents force their own agenda onto their children’s dreams, children suffer. They are torn between their own interest or lack of interest and pleasing their parents. When parents “over-encourage” their children to succeed, particularly if the child expresses disinterest or feels uncomfortable with his ability to compete, children can become anxious. Constant anxiety can lead to insomnia, behavior problems, even depression and other emotional problems.

Parents need to take a step back and allow children to fully experience their own dreams. Certainly, provide opportunities to explore interests and talents; but temper dreams with reality. If your child warms the bench during the game, don’t step in and argue with the coach or make excuses that feed your child’s sense of entitlement. Allow your child the important lessons of disappointment and failure. Finding out for themselves whether they have the ability and skill to realize their dreams helps children to refine and restructure their dreams into attainable goals.

Why We Cling to Unobtainable Dreams

American Idol has fueled the mega-star dreams of wanna be singers across the country. Yet, as acerbic judge Simon Cowell is quick to point out, many of those dreams are woefully misplaced. The crushing of dreams as impassioned but horribly off-key singers audition season after season makes for dramatic television. We laugh at their folly, wondering how these people can truly believe they have the talent to become professional singers. A new study by psychologists at Ohio State University and the University of Florida published in the current issue of the journal Social Cognition sheds some light on the phenomenon.

Researchers found that people cling to their career dreams with fierce tenacity. Telling someone they lack the skills or knowledge to achieve their goal isn’t enough to shake their belief that they can accomplish their dreams. It takes a clear, often humiliating, demonstration of their lack of ability to convince someone that their dreams are misplaced.

“Most people don’t give up easily on their dreams. They have to be given a graphic picture of what failure will look like if they don’t make it,” study co-author Patrick Carroll, an assistant professor of psychology at OSU-Lima, said in an online article posted on Newswise. “We have a brilliant ability to spin, deflect or outright dismiss undesired evidence that we can’t do something. We try to find reasons to believe.”

It’s a harsh lesson seemingly at odds with the “Dream big! Follow your dreams!” advice that parents use to encourage their children. Shows like American Idol, America’s Got Talent and America’s Next Top Model only fuel our dreams of being “discovered” and catapulted from oblivion to stardom. Idol judge Simon Cowell has often explained that his comments may be cutting, but they’re geared to drag would be stars back to reality. Few make it in the music business, even those with talent.

The problem transcends the entertainment industry. Researchers found that many students harbor unrealistic career dreams, sometimes spending years of fruitless study on career paths for which they lack the ability to succeed. It can be a costly mistake, particularly in today’s uncertain job market.

“Educators are trying to lead students to the most realistic career options,” Carroll said. “You want to encourage students to pursue their dreams, but you don’t want to give them false hope about their abilities and talents.”

Next time: Lessons for parents

Do We Teach Our Children to Lie?

Children learn by example. Parents can tell their children all manner of “dos” and “don’ts,” but what they learn is what they see parents do. Most children have learned how to lie by age 3 and are lying several times a day by age 6. Parents may actually encourage their children to lie by telling them to thank grandma for the ugly shirt ”so you don’t hurt her feelings.” 

Children learn to lie by listening to and watching their parents. They notice when parents call in sick to take a day off. They catch us out — sometimes embarrassingly — when we criticize family or friends at home then act nice in person. They watch us drive over the speed limit. They hear us make up a story at the store so we can return an item without a receipt. Adults use lying to cope with their own foibles and to fit in socially. As a society we may view lying as immoral and repellent, but studies have found that, socially, people who regularly embroider the truth are perceived as friendlier. Adults consider small fibs a normal and necessary part of social discourse (see our August 14 blog post).

Children hear their parents lie every day. While adults differentiate between little white lies, which we deem socially acceptable, even socially necessary, and big, hurtful lies, children do not. They see the world in black and white, right or wrong; there are no shades of gray in a young child’s mind. When adult behavior doesn’t match our admonishment that lying is wrong, our children are confused. They are unable to distinction between adult behavior and child behavior. Children strive to emulate the adults in their lives. If those adults regularly lie to other adults or to the child, children will perceive lying as acceptable, not wrong.

The problem, of course, is that even though we engage in small fibs ourselves, we take offense and feel betrayed when someone — including our child — lies to us, even when the lie is small. Lying degrades trust and trust is the bedrock on which strong relationships are built. Once trust is lost, it is difficult to regain. Suspicion can linger for years. Even if it’s painful, most of us would rather be told the truth. Perhaps that’s the lesson we should be teaching our children.

Is Lying Good for You?

We preach the value of honesty to our children, and we espouse honesty as one of the most valued goals of society; yet most people lie every day. One study found that most people lie at least once a day and some as often as two to three times every 10 minutes. We have an ambivalent relationship with lying. We believe it to be morally wrong but have no compunction about lying when it serves our purpose.

We tell our spouse the pants don’t look too tight when they do. We complement our mother-in-law on a barely edible meal. We tell our children “maybe” when we mean “no.” We thank our mom for the birthday sweater we can’t wait to return. We drop $10 off the price when we tell our spouse how much we paid. We invent a prior engagement when we don’t want to accept an invitation. We tell the plumber the check is in the mail. We lie about our weight when we renew our driver’s license. We interrupt our work and paste a welcoming smile on our face when our gabby aunt drops by for an unexpected visit. We lie to ourselves about how often we exercise and how many cookies we ate.

Now researchers are saying that those little white lies may be good for us. “We use lies to grease the wheels of social discourse,” University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman said in an article on U.S. News & World Report online. “It’s socially useful to tell lies.”

Psychiatrists say we bend and embellish the truth for all sorts of reasons. We lie to protect ourselves and those we love, to seek an advantage at work, to excuse poor behavior, to appear more important, and to pump up our self-esteem. Experts believe that slightly inflating the truth can have a positive psychological effect and may even create a self-fulfilling prophecy. In a recent study, college students who inflated their GPA later improved their grades. ”Exaggerators tend to be more confident and have higher goals for achievement,” explained study co-author Richard Gramzow, a psychologist at England’s University of Southampton.

More about lying on Monday

Put the Chill on Heat Wave Anger

When the temperature rises, tempers flare. It doesn’t take long in 90-degree heat for small irritations to ignite into angry rants. The frequency and volume of childish squabbles escalates. Frustrated parents lose their cool and yell at their kids. Spousal bickering escalates to angry arguments. When it’s hot outside, everyone gets more than a little cranky. 

It’s hard to keep your emotional cool when your body feels like it’s frying. Sweat, dehydration and exhaustion overwhelm us physically when the mercury climbs into the high 80s and 90s. Heat can increase heart rate and elevate blood pressure. The physical toll chips away at our emotional defenses, eroding our ability to cope with life’s ordinary challenges. Fueled by the heat, people who are normally pleasant and patient can become unreasonable and irritable. They snap and they snarl at the slightest irritation, lashing out at the closest target — often a spouse or child.

Psychologists and criminal justice authorities have long known that heat waves cause a spike in crime rates. Heat tends to make people more argumentative. They’re more likely to react to irritants without thinking. Iowa State University professor of psychology Craig Anderson who has studied the phenomenon told the Selma Times-Journal online, “Being uncomfortable colors the way people see things. Minor insults may be perceived as major ones, inviting retaliation.”

When the mercury climbs, your best defense against an emotional meltdown is a good offense. Cool down your body to cool off your psyche. Here are a few tips guaranteed to dial down your discomfort level during the dog days of August and help you keep your cool in the heat:

• Turn on the air conditioning and augment airflow with fans. No A/C? Mist yourself with water and sit near a fan.
• Chill out at the local shopping mall (most have a play area), senior center, public library or take in a movie.
• Wear loose, light-weight, cotton clothing. Declare a swimsuit day at home.
• Take cool showers. Let the kids play in a cool tub.
• Spend the day at the pool or beach.
• Fill up the kiddie pool and turn on the sprinkler. Join the kids in a water fight.
• Stay hydrated and eat some salty snacks. Avoid alcohol which can increase heat stress.

What’s Love Got to Do With It? Everything!

Love is the force that binds us, one to another. A husband’s love for his wife, a mother’s love for her child, the love shared by siblings, the love of lifelong friendships — these are the ties that define us as human beings. Love gives us the courage to persevere in the face of life’s challenges. It gives us the resilience to bounce back from disappointments and comforts us in times of tragedy. Love adds sweetness to life’s successes and allows us to share its joys. What’s love got to do with life? Everything!

So, what happens when love ends? When a spouse or partner dies? Or love crashes on the jagged reef of divorce? The loss of love can have dangerous mental and physical repercussions that exact a toll beyond normal grief. A new study found that the lingering stress caused by the loss of a spouse or partner to death or divorce increased the risk of chronic illness. Men and women who were divorced or widowed were 20% more likely than married people to develop heart disease, diabetes or cancer, according to a recent survey of 8,600 adults from 51 to 61 years old by University of Chicago researchers.

The ending of a long-term relationship, whether from death or divorce, “really destroys financial assets, and it destroys health assets in the same way,” said University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, a co-author of the study. Financial strain, loneliness and uncertainty about the future create significant emotional stress. For some, the necessity of moving into more affordable housing or housing that is physically easier to maintain adds additional loss to their grief. Divorcing couples must cope with their children’s feelings of loss as well as their own. The duties once shared by two parents can feel overwhelming when only one parent is shouldering the burden. Combined, these things add to the burden of grief that follows the loss of a loved one, creating a persistent, overwhelming feeling of stress.

Over time, continuous stress erodes both our physical and mental health. Stress from grief or marital strife weakens the immune system, making us more susceptible to chronic disease, depression and anxiety. Strengthening existing relationships and building new relationships can help ease the strain, but some people will need professional psychiatric help to weather the storm and deal with their loss.

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