Stability, Not Marriage, Key to Kids’ Happiness

A new study by an Ohio State University researcher found that it is the stability of the parent and the home, not marital status, that determines whether divorced children will thrive and be happy. The study found that children who grow up with a single mother are as likely to succeed academically and socially as those who grow up in traditional married-couple homes if the parent is emotionally stable and the home environment is stable. Published in the book Marriage and Family: Perspectives and Complexities, the study bolsters support for single-parents, gay couples, children being raised by grandparents or relatives, and other non-traditional families.

“Kids like to know what to expect,” Claire Kamp Dush, OSU assistant professor of human development and family science and study author, told The Columbus Dispatch. She explained that creating family stability means maintaining the status quo. Study data indicate that single mothers who do not move in with a new partner or remarry create the most stable home environments for their children. When home life was stable, Kamp Dush found no difference in levels of academic achievement, cognitive stimulation, emotional support or behavioral problems between children from single-parent and traditional married-couple homes.

Some researchers see a connection between stability and financial resources. Many other studies have found differences between children’s welfare and happiness in single-parent and married-couple homes. Many of those differences are rooted in financial circumstances and quality of education. When poverty enters into the equation, it can tip the balance against stable home life.

Single mothers worried about finances are more likely to suffer anxiety, depression and other emotional problems that can significantly impair the stability of home life. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 50% of children born to single mothers live below the poverty level. Statistics posted by The Heritage Foundation indicate that 35% of divorced mothers who receive child support and 42% of those who don’t live below the poverty line.

If you are struggling with single parenthood, a qualified psychiatrist like Dr. Tracey Marks can help you deal with the anger, anxiety, grief or depression you may be experiencing so that you can provide a stable home for your children.

Parents Must Temper Children’s Dreams With Reality

As parents, we all want our children to be happy in life and succeed. We encourage our children to dream big. We nourish our children’s dreams. We buy our future fireman a fireman’s hat at the toy store and take him to visit the local fire station. We invest in a piano and arrange music lessons for our budding concert pianist. We applaud our yet-to-be-discovered movie star by sending her to drama camp at the local college. We foster our emerging soccer star’s ambitions by signing up for a traveling team. There is nothing wrong with helping our children explore their dreams. It’s one way of letting them “try on” potential career choices to see how they fit. But some parents become so wrapped up in their children’s dreams that they lose perspective and fail to interject a necessary dose of reality.

When they are young, children’s dreams change quickly. Today’s fireman is tomorrow’s astronaut and next week’s rock star. But as children grow up, dreams begin to move them toward career paths. Sometimes parents co-opt their children’s dreams, reliving their own failed dreams or missed opportunities through their children. The dad who always wanted to be a high school quarterback pushes his son into football. The mom who dreamed of winning the lead in the high school play pressures her daughter into drama.

When parents force their own agenda onto their children’s dreams, children suffer. They are torn between their own interest or lack of interest and pleasing their parents. When parents “over-encourage” their children to succeed, particularly if the child expresses disinterest or feels uncomfortable with his ability to compete, children can become anxious. Constant anxiety can lead to insomnia, behavior problems, even depression and other emotional problems.

Parents need to take a step back and allow children to fully experience their own dreams. Certainly, provide opportunities to explore interests and talents; but temper dreams with reality. If your child warms the bench during the game, don’t step in and argue with the coach or make excuses that feed your child’s sense of entitlement. Allow your child the important lessons of disappointment and failure. Finding out for themselves whether they have the ability and skill to realize their dreams helps children to refine and restructure their dreams into attainable goals.

What Parents Can Do About Bullying

Children who are bullied suffer higher rates of anxiety, depression and low self-esteem and are more likely to have suicidal thoughts than kids who aren’t victimized by classroom bullies, warns a recent Mayo Clinic report (see our August 21, 2009 post). With nearly half of all school-aged children subjected to bullying at some point during their school years, parents need to know how to deal with this ever-growing threat to their children’s physical and emotional health. The American Academy of Pediatrics, which now urges physicians to include signs of bullying in patient assessments, recommends that parents take the following steps to protect their children from bullying:

If your child is the victim of bullying:

• Teach your child to stand up for himself by saying things like “I don’t like what you are doing.” Teach him to stay calm and walk away from bullies.
• Tell your child when and how to ask for help. Suggest they find an adult and tell them about the problem if they are being bullied.
• Encourage your child to develop friendships with other children. Children who are socially isolated are more apt to be bullied.
• Support activities that interest your child.
• Alert school officials and teachers if your child complains about bullying. Be an advocate for your child and see that the situation is resolved.
• Ask other adults to watch out for your child’s safety when you cannot be present.

If your child is a bully:

• Emphasize to your child that you are firmly against bullying.
• Be a positive role model for your child. Show him how to get what he wants without teasing, threatening or hurting another person.
• Set firm and consistent limits on aggressive behavior.
• Be clear in defining age-appropriate consequences for bullying behavior and be consistent in implementing those consequences.
• Use effective, nonphysical discipline such as loss of privileges.
• Work with school officials, teachers, counselors and the parents of victims to develop practical solutions.

Bullying can have a disastrous long-term impact on a child’s emotional development. If your child is a bully or a victim, consider taking him or her to a board certified psychiatrist like Dr. Tracey Marks. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is effective in replacing detrimental, maladjusted behaviors with positive, life-affirming ones.

What Parents Need to Know About Bullying

Bullies. Every classroom seems to have one. In another age, bullying was considered a rite of passage; but that was before the massacres at Columbine and Virginia Tech. We now know that bullying can have long-lasting effects, both for bullies and their victims. Since April, at least three children have committed suicide as the result of bullying, according to news reports.

“Children who are bullied have higher rates of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and other mental health conditions. Children who are bullied are more likely to think about suicide, and some of these wounds may linger into adulthood,” warns the Mayo Clinic in a recent online report.

Almost half of all schoolchildren are bullied at some point, according to the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. Bullying can happen to any child, but young children and those with few friends are the most at risk. Bullying need not be physical (punching, hitting, kicking or destruction of property); teasing, name-calling, racial slurs, gossip, malicious rumors, and other verbal abuse can be even more damaging. Internet and cell phone access has moved bullying out of the school yard and onto the Internet. Called cyberbullying, electronic harassment makes it easy for children to malign, embarrass or threaten their peers anonymously.

As the school year starts, it’s important for parents to tune in to their children and watch for the warning signs of bullying:

• Bruises, scrapes or other injuries
• Ripped or missing clothing or personal possessions
• Few friends or statements such as “nobody likes me”
• Headaches, stomachaches or other physical complaints
• Trouble eating
• Trouble sleeping or nightmares
• Anxiety when preparing for school or talking about school
• Fear of going to school or playing hooky
• Trouble concentrating on schoolwork; declining or failing grades
• Fighting or behavioral problems
• Depression, listlessness
• Suicidal statements such as “you’d be better off without me”

With the advent of cyberbullying through emails, instant messaging, Facebook and blogs, bullying has become so prevalent that the American Academy of Pediatrics is urging pediatricians to include signs of bullying in patient assessments. Referral to a board-certified psychiatrist with an expertise in cognitive-behavioral therapy may be required to prevent the harmful effects of bullying or treat anxiety/depression caused by bullying.

Next time: What parents can do about bullying

Do We Teach Our Children to Lie?

Children learn by example. Parents can tell their children all manner of “dos” and “don’ts,” but what they learn is what they see parents do. Most children have learned how to lie by age 3 and are lying several times a day by age 6. Parents may actually encourage their children to lie by telling them to thank grandma for the ugly shirt ”so you don’t hurt her feelings.” 

Children learn to lie by listening to and watching their parents. They notice when parents call in sick to take a day off. They catch us out — sometimes embarrassingly — when we criticize family or friends at home then act nice in person. They watch us drive over the speed limit. They hear us make up a story at the store so we can return an item without a receipt. Adults use lying to cope with their own foibles and to fit in socially. As a society we may view lying as immoral and repellent, but studies have found that, socially, people who regularly embroider the truth are perceived as friendlier. Adults consider small fibs a normal and necessary part of social discourse (see our August 14 blog post).

Children hear their parents lie every day. While adults differentiate between little white lies, which we deem socially acceptable, even socially necessary, and big, hurtful lies, children do not. They see the world in black and white, right or wrong; there are no shades of gray in a young child’s mind. When adult behavior doesn’t match our admonishment that lying is wrong, our children are confused. They are unable to distinction between adult behavior and child behavior. Children strive to emulate the adults in their lives. If those adults regularly lie to other adults or to the child, children will perceive lying as acceptable, not wrong.

The problem, of course, is that even though we engage in small fibs ourselves, we take offense and feel betrayed when someone — including our child — lies to us, even when the lie is small. Lying degrades trust and trust is the bedrock on which strong relationships are built. Once trust is lost, it is difficult to regain. Suspicion can linger for years. Even if it’s painful, most of us would rather be told the truth. Perhaps that’s the lesson we should be teaching our children.

Help Your Child Develop Healthy Ambitions

On America’s Got Talent last night an energetic young lady commanded the stage. Full of enthusiasm, this talented 8-year old exuded self-confidence and charisma as she sang and danced across the stage in front of a cheering audience. After her performance, one judge gently suggested that while she showed a lot of stage presence, singing might not be the best outlet for her talents, he was booed by the audience. You could see consideration of the new thought flit across the young girl’s face, before another judge cut in and told her, “If singing is what you love, then that’s what you should do.” The little girl beamed and the audience cheered as she walked off the stage.

There is nothing wrong with dreaming. We encourage our children to dream big. The youngster who dreams of becoming a singer or an astronaut may someday attain their childhood goal. Childhood is about trying on different roles and different personas to see what fits. Most children try on a series of different roles as they move through childhood and their interests change. The 4-year-old fireman morphs into the 6-year-old super hero, the 9-year-old paleontologist, the 13-year-old pro quarterback.

A very small number of us actually realize those childhood dreams. The world has its stars in entertainment, medicine, science and sports. Stardom is usually reached after years of singular focus, years of dedicated hard work and the serendipity of luck.  But a few shooting stars seem to flash into popularity overnight, just often enough to make us believe we might be the next instant sensation. It’s a dream fueled by reality TV shows that promise instant success or wealth. The reality is that most talented people never become media stars but do carve out satisfying lives. They contribute to their communities and enrich the lives of those around them. They pursue their talent for the unique pleasure it adds to their own lives.

Rather than fuel unrealistic dreams of stardom, parents need to guide their children to develop healthy ambitions. Help your child focus on the pleasure an activity adds to his life, not on whether he gets the lead role in the school play or is the star of the team. Parent for the long haul. Encourage your child to explore and develop his talents; but most importantly, teach him the value of enjoying his talents.

Preschoolers Can Suffer Depression

Children as young as 3 can suffer bouts of chronic clinical depression, a new study has found. It’s normal for preschoolers to have an occasional temper tantrum or moody day, but they usually bounce back, quickly returning to their normal, happy demeanor. When young children don’t resume normal play and activities or appear sad during play or incorporate themes of sadness or death in their play, they may be depressed.

“… people really haven’t paid much attention to depressive disorders in children under the age of 6,” study author, Dr. Joan Luby, a psychiatrist at Washington University in St. Louis, told the Associated Press. “They didn’t think it could happen … because children under 6 were too emotionally immature to experience it.”

The chemical imbalances in the brain associated with depression can occur at any age, but children are generally not brought to a psychiatrist for treatment until the turbulent teen years. Parents often report symptoms going back to early childhood that were not recognized as possible depression at the time. In addition to moodiness and sadness, symptoms of depression in preschoolers can include sleep problems, loss of appetite, frequent temper tantrums, hitting, biting and kicking.

Washington University researchers studied the mental health of 200 preschoolers aged 3 to 6 over a two-year period. Over the course of the study, 75 children were diagnosed with major depressive episodes. Previously conducted research indicates that about 2% of American preschoolers may suffer from depression at some point during their childhoods. Children who had experienced a traumatic event such as the death of a parent, physical or sexual abuse were more likely to become depressed. Children were also more likely to experience depression if their mothers were depressed or suffered from a mood disorder.

Published in the August issue of Archives of General Psychiatry, the study is the first significant research conducted on preschool depression. In previous studies it has been unclear whether preschoolers suffer the chronic depression common in older children and adults. However, in the Washington University study 64% of depressed preschoolers either remained depressed or suffered a recurrence after six months, and 40% still exhibited symptoms of depression at the end of the two-year study.

While the study did not address treatment protocols, cognitive-behavioral therapy is recommended as the first step in the treatment of depression in young children.

Sense of Fatalism Encourages Risky Behavior in Teens

A surprising number of teens expect to die young. In a seven-year study of 20,000 teens in grades 7 through 12, 15% felt it was highly likely that they would die before they reached their 35th birthday. Published in the July issue of Pediatrics, the unexpected results have caused researchers at the University of Minnesota to wonder if it is a feeling of hopeless fatalism rather than a sense of invulnerability that leads teens to engage in risky behavior.

The magnitude of teen-aged pessimism took researchers by surprise. University of Minnesota researcher Dr. Iris Borowsky told the Associated Press, Adolescence is “a time of great opportunity and for such a large minority of youth to feel like they don’t have a long life ahead of them was surprising.”

Males (15%) were slightly more likely than females (13%) to think they would die young. Living in a more stable family situation appeared to decrease the feeling of risk. Only 10% of teens who lived with both biological parents felt at risk, while 18% of those who lived with only one or neither of their biological parents felt they would die early. Lack of financial stability significantly increased the feeling of risk. Twenty-four percent of teens with a parent receiving public aid believed they would die at an early age. Racially and ethnically, the breakdown of perceived risk of early death was highest for groups exposed to the greatest deprivation and violence:

• 30% Native American
• 26% Black
• 21% Hispanic
• 15% Asian/Pacific Islander
• 10% White

While fatalistic teens did not die more often than their more optimistic peers (only 94 of the 20,000 teens participating died during the seven-year study), they were more likely to engage in unsafe behavior, including drug and alcohol abuse, unprotected sex, attempted suicide, and getting into fights that resulted in serious injury. Teens who believed they would die young were seven times more likely to contract AIDS than their positive-thinking peers. The perception that life was hopeless appears to have encouraged greater risk taking.

Psychiatrists are looking at the study in hopes of developing better methods for identifying at risk teens. It is hoped that the detection of fatalistic attitudes and thinking will help the medical community identify and treat at risk teens before they engage in dangerous behavior.

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