Do you have trouble simultaneously identifying yourself as mommy and sexy wife?

The Today Show has a segment on “Mom Hair” as a symbol of losing your identity as a woman once you become a mom. Although the title is about moms and their hair, the discussion touched on deeper issues regarding what happens to us after we become mothers and how we feel about ourselves.

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I thought this segment covers a very important issue of losing sexual (romantic) interest when you become absorbed in the day to day tasks of child rearing. For some women it can be a very difficult balance. I’ve seen women who aren’t clinically depressed, but still think there is something wrong with them because they just don’t get excited about their husbands or have the desire to look attractive.

Sure it’s not good to feel this way, but there is a reason for it. Think of it this way… Just as a phone call from your Dad is not an aphrodisiac (for most), thoughts of a crying baby at your breast or poop in your fingernails isn’t going to help either.

However some women may have a mild postpartum depression that can last for a while if left unaddressed. So if you’re really dragging around and feeling horrible about yourself, it’s probably worth it to get a professional opinion.

The economy has accelerated the shift in earning power. More traditionally male jobs than female jobs have been lost, particularly in manufacturing. Unfortunately, women’s earnings fell 2% last year, twice as much as men’s. American families that were comfortable with two salaries are struggling to live on one, especially when that salary is brought home by an underpaid woman. Women are feeling the financial strain much more acutely than men.

Not only are women often shouldering the sole burden of providing for their families, but they feel they carry greater responsibility than men for child rearing and home care. The feeling of inequality at home remains despite the fact that 84% of couples recently surveyed said they negotiate responsibilities, rules and relationship issues.

Perhaps most disturbing is the revelation that despite the achievement of greater freedom, education and financial power, women are less happy. Puzzled social scientists say increased female stress and unhappiness are universal across all socio-economic levels.  Theories include basic changes in American society and the American family that are felt more keenly by women than men or perhaps gains in workplace equality are now forcing women to battle the same pressures that have long contributed to male unhappiness or it may be that women have finally gained the self-c0nfidence to be honest about what they want and don’t want from life.

Carrying a constant burden of increased stress can eat away at a woman’s physical and mental health. Stress can cause irritability, lack of energy, sleep problems and even lead to serious depression. If taking a mental health day isn’t enough to get you back on track, you may need professional help to learn to cope with stress and re-balance your life.

When we suffer a tragedy, we grieve for what is lost. Death, divorce, job loss, relocation, illness — all involve significant change and loss. In order to accept the change and move forward, it is necessary to recognize and mourn what is lost, whether it is friendship, love, familiarity, ability, status, financial stability, etc. Psychiatrists have identified distinct five stages of grief that accompany loss. While these are most often applied to mourning the death of a loved one, we go through the same stages as we learn to accept and heal from any tragic loss.

• Denial and isolation. At first, we may deny feelings of loss or try to minimize the importance of the event. People may withdraw from family and friends through emotional discomfort or embarrassment.
• Anger. Anger can be directed outward or inward if the person feels her actions contributed to the tragedy. Feelings of “why me” are also common. 
• Bargaining. No one wants to accept traumatic loss. We may try to bargain with God, promising “I will do this if you remove this burden from my life.” Or be tempted to plead with an employer if we are laid off. Bargaining attempts to stave off the inevitable.
• Depression. As anger fades, numbness may overwhelm us. Pervasive sadness blocks feeling. We may feel hopeless. You may need the guidance of an experienced psychiatrist to help you move forward.
• Acceptance. As we work through loss, we learn to accept the new reality.

For more information on How to Recover from Tragedy, listen to Dr. Marks’ October 14 podcast.

Yes, depression is a disease. Depression is caused by an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. It is a whole body illness that affects you physically, mentally and emotionally. Depression is not a matter of trying harder, thinking happy thoughts, a sign of weakness or lack of will. People suffering from depression cannot just “pull themselves together.” Depression is a medical disease just like diabetes or heart disease. Without treatment, depression can last for months, even years. Some people have an isolated episode of depression triggered by a traumatic event like job loss, financial difficulties or the death of someone close to them. Chronic stress or anxiety can result in depression. Some people have periodic episodes of depression throughout their lives; for others, the disease is chronic.

The symptoms of depression are unique to each person. Depression causes changes in thinking, feeling, behavior and physical health. The severity of  symptoms differs with each individual. Symptoms of depression may include:

• Persistent feelings of sadness, emptiness, hopelessness or helplessness
• Loss of interest in normally enjoyed activities
• Irritability, restlessness, excessive crying
• Sleeping too much or too little, trouble getting out of bed in the morning
• Loss of appetite and weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• Fatigue, exhaustion, decreased energy.
• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions, memory lapses
• Thoughts of death or suicide

Although antidepressants help alleviate depression symptoms for many people, not everyone who is diagnosed with depression requires medication. The most effective treatment for depression is generally a combination of psychodynamic therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy and medication management administered and coordinated by an experienced psychiatrist. 

If you or someone you know suffers from depression, don’t lose hope. Depression can be treated. With the support and guidance of a caring psychiatrist like Dr. Tracey Marks, you can rediscover joy in your life.

Since you don’t control the universe, you may not be able to rid your life of stress, but you can certainly learn to modify your response to stress. In other words, you can learn how to manage your stress successfully and significantly decrease how stressful life feels, a worthy and life-affirming goal.

Identifying the things that cause you the greatest stress and discovering why they affect you so deeply may require guidance from a skilled psychotherapist. You may need help understanding what motivates your response to stressful situations. With the right guidance, you can learn to replace negative behaviors with positive ones and regain control.

There are also several proven self-help techniques that you can learn and practice that are effective at reducing daily stress.

• Meditation is a process that quiets the mind, blocking external distractions and allowing you to focus on a state of internal peace. Meditation has been proven to decrease tension, anxiety and depression and improve concentration and focus. As you focus on your breathing and relaxing muscle groups, you’ll be able to feel your blood pressure drop, headaches dissolve and muscles untense. Meditation energizes the body and the mind.
• Guided imagery allows you to place yourself mentally in another time and place, one that is soothing and restful. In guided imagery you imagine yourself in a peaceful scene, allowing each of your senses to fully experience the sight, sound, smell and feel of your peaceful setting. Guided imagery recordings can help provide a framework for practicing the technique and making it your own.
• Progressive muscle relaxation teaches you to consciously relax your muscles, one group at a time. As you systematically tense and release each muscle, body achieves total relaxation. Relaxation recordings can coach you through the process as you learn to relax individual muscles. Tension and stress float away and you feel renewed and refreshed.