What’s Love Got to Do With It? Everything!
Love is the force that binds us, one to another. A husband’s love for his wife, a mother’s love for her child, the love shared by siblings, the love of lifelong friendships — these are the ties that define us as human beings. Love gives us the courage to persevere in the face of life’s challenges. It gives us the resilience to bounce back from disappointments and comforts us in times of tragedy. Love adds sweetness to life’s successes and allows us to share its joys. What’s love got to do with life? Everything!
So, what happens when love ends? When a spouse or partner dies? Or love crashes on the jagged reef of divorce? The loss of love can have dangerous mental and physical repercussions that exact a toll beyond normal grief. A new study found that the lingering stress caused by the loss of a spouse or partner to death or divorce increased the risk of chronic illness. Men and women who were divorced or widowed were 20% more likely than married people to develop heart disease, diabetes or cancer, according to a recent survey of 8,600 adults from 51 to 61 years old by University of Chicago researchers.
The ending of a long-term relationship, whether from death or divorce, “really destroys financial assets, and it destroys health assets in the same way,” said University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, a co-author of the study. Financial strain, loneliness and uncertainty about the future create significant emotional stress. For some, the necessity of moving into more affordable housing or housing that is physically easier to maintain adds additional loss to their grief. Divorcing couples must cope with their children’s feelings of loss as well as their own. The duties once shared by two parents can feel overwhelming when only one parent is shouldering the burden. Combined, these things add to the burden of grief that follows the loss of a loved one, creating a persistent, overwhelming feeling of stress.
Over time, continuous stress erodes both our physical and mental health. Stress from grief or marital strife weakens the immune system, making us more susceptible to chronic disease, depression and anxiety. Strengthening existing relationships and building new relationships can help ease the strain, but some people will need professional psychiatric help to weather the storm and deal with their loss.
Widening Generation Gap Strains Family Relationships
Not since the 1960s have old and young Americans been so divided on basic social issues. Vietnam, civil rights and women’s liberation created a deep divide between today’s Baby Boomers and their WWII-era parents. Today the flashpoints are morality, religion and relationships. The widening philosophical divide between the generations has the potential to drive an uncomfortable wedge between parents and their adult children.
Public opinion results recently released by the independent Pew Research Center indicate a widening gap between the generations. Eighty percent of those polled felt major discrepancies exist between the core values of older and younger U.S. adults. That’s a greater gap than the 74% reported in 1969, the peak in a decade of generational strife. Since 1979, the nation’s perceived generation gap had been fairly stable at about 60% but started increasing during the Obama/Bush campaign.
Different social values and opposing views on morality were cited by nearly 50% of survey respondents as the greatest stressors between the generations. Older adults complained about the younger generation’s sense of entitlement and lack of social manners. Younger adults aged 18 to 29 who expressed wider acceptance of interracial relationships and gay marriage felt contradictory views on family, dating and relationships caused the most generational strife.
Some older adults felt youthful attitudes on family and relationship issues signaled moral decline among the young. Such generational differences may be as much religious as cultural. Two-thirds of adults 65 and older indicated that religion played a key role in their lives compared to about half of adults 30 to 49. Only 44% of those 18 to 29 said religion was important to them. Older adults tended to equate religious beliefs/practice with moral values. However, younger adults more often defined moral issues in terms of social justice and independent from religious belief.
Generation gap issues can create stress, anxiety, even anger between family members that can take a serious toll on family relationships. Open discussion, tolerance and respect for each others’ viewpoints is essential if families are to bridge generational divides. When differences exist between parents and their adult children, it is important to recognize that each adult has the right to make his/her own choices and set the rules in his/her own home.
Cornerstones of Good Mental Health
Two important cornerstones of good mental health are resiliency and the ability to develop supportive relationships. Even though disappointment, loss and change are normal events in life; they often cause feelings of stress, sadness and anxiety. People who lack good mental health can be overwhelmed by these feelings. Resiliency, the ability to persevere in the face of adversity and bounce back after traumatic or stressful events, is a vital component of good mental health. Resiliency provides the coping mechanisms people rely on to maintain the focus, flexibility and creativity necessary to weather difficult events.
The ability to recognize emotions and express them appropriately is a key component of resiliency. Resiliency allows people to balance negative emotions with positive ones, preventing a slide into depression, anxiety or other mental health issues. Increasing flexibility and providing balance in your life can improve resiliency. The following actions suggested by the American Psychological Association can help you build resiliency:
- Allow yourself to experience strong emotions. However, be aware that strong emotions may need to be avoided if they threaten to interfere with your ability to function.
- Be proactive about addressing problems as they occur, but learn to stop and relax when you need to reenergize.
- Spend time with loved ones and allow their support and encouragement to nurture you.
- Cultivate the ability to rely on others, but learn to rely on yourself, too.
Like resiliency, supportive relationships are important to good mental health. We are social creatures who crave companionship. We draw emotional strength from the support of other people. Developing an ability to forge positive relationships with others may take time and effort, but those connections are vital to our emotional health. Use these tips to help build strong, supportive relationships:
- Turn off the computer or television and socialize with family, friends and neighbors. Facebook and Twitter will never give you the same feeling of comfort or understanding as real, face-to-face human contact. So much of communication is expression and touch; things that are lost in the virtual world. To build supportive relationships, you need to connect with other people personally.
- Shared interests and helping others can forge bonds between people. To meet people who share your interests, join clubs or volunteer. Invite someone you enjoy to continue a conversation over a cup of coffee. It could be the start of a beautiful friendship!
Is Happiness Contagious?
Happiness has the same ripple effect as dropping a pebble in a pond. Its effect radiates outward in ever-greater rings, affecting everyone it touches, brightening each person’s life in turn. Surrounding yourself with happy people, just being near a happy person, even knowing someone who knows a happy person, makes you happier. Happiness is contagious, says Harvard University physician and sociologist Nicholas Christakis.
Using study data that tracked 5,000 people over 20 years, Christakis tracked the path of happiness. He found that being around happy people makes us happier but that contact didn’t need to be direct for happiness to be transferred. The model worked both with social ties, such being around family and friends who were happy, and with simple physical proximity. Just being in the same room or check-out line with a happy person or passing a smiling person on the street allowed enough contact to “catch” happiness.
It’s easy to understand how the happiness of family and close friends can make us happier. The surprise in Christakis’ analysis came in finding that happiness is able to transcend direct links. We become happier not only when our friends are happy; but when the friend of a friend is happy, even if we don’t know or have any direct contact with that person. The bottom line is that surrounding ourselves with happy people makes us happy, makes the people we love happy, and makes the people they love happy.
In addition to spending time with happy people, what can you do to become happier? Try some of these ideas to brighten your day:
- Read a funny book. Dave Barry and Janet Evanovich are tw0 authors who make me laugh out loud.
- Watch a funny movie or a video of your favorite comedian. Tim Allen, Robin Williams and Jeff Foxworthy tickle my funny bone.
- Create your own happiness ripple. Smile at strangers as you walk down the street or through the mall. You’ll be surprised how many smile back.
- Look for the little things in life that give you pleasure and make you smile: leaves blowing in the breeze, birds on a wire, rosy sunsets, a shining sliver of moon.
Happiness is all around if we just look for it. Grab some and pass it along.
Two Cookies with Love
My supervisor in residency training gave me a saying that I thought was very descriptive.
When you’re a child, if you get two cookies with love, two cookies will always be enough. If you get two cookies without love, no amount of cookies will ever be enough (paraphrased).
Of course, the cookies are metaphorical for affirmation and nurturing. Our childhoods are formative years as this is the time we need validation the most. This period sets the stage for self-cohesion and a positive self-image. Inadequate nurturing and criticism leads to poor self-esteem and neediness.
It is important to note that our natural disposition (i.e. how we are hardwired) has some influence our self-esteem as some people need more affirmation than others. But even those with the most self-sufficient dispositions would have a hard time emerging from a heavily critical parent without some emotional dents to bang out as an adult.
So what do you do if you didn’t get your cookies with love? Rather than spending your life constantly chasing after more cookies, you have to find another source of validation. Some may find it by embracing their faith, for others it may be a long road of building confidence through progressively significant accomplishments. Some people can find healing through meeting the needs of others. Whatever works for you, the idea is that you lose the pattern of trying to feed an insatiable appetite for validation and progess to accepting a new positive image yourself that you help create.
Can Men and Women Just be Friends?
Harry asked this question in the 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally. Harry insisted that men and women cannot be platonic friends because the man will always want a sexual relationship. Sally was appalled at this idea and insisted that Harry was being small minded. After all, she and Harry were “friends.”
Then they got married…
This movie was 20 years ago and for many this may seem like an obvious point (Harry’s point, that is). However, there are a number of women for whom this concept does not make sense and makes men seem uncaring.
This highlights a fundamental difference between how woman and men relate to one another. Women measure the closeness of the relationship by how often they talk with their friends and how much each other reveals. Just talking and sharing can be very gratifying. Men on the other hand, don’t require the talking and sharing as much and respond more to a gut instinct of attraction. Most men will not spend a significant amount of time with a woman if he is not attracted to her. Since attraction usually means interest, typically the man will want the interaction to be more than simply talking, sharing and being on the friend list.
Yes, these are generalizations and there are exceptions. But I agree with Harry on the issue of the man’s interest. For the women the message is this: if a man is spending time with you (talking on the phone, going out, etc.), he is interested in you. That is, he has some level of romantic interest even if he is not sure how far he wants things to go at the time. This does not make him insensitive or shallow; it’s just the way things are. Men and women think differently.
Some women will feel betrayed if their long-term friend makes a move. This implies that he is wrong for being interested in you as if the unwritten rule of friendship is that there must be no degree of romantic interest. This rule may be followed in middle or high school. But once people get older, this rule becomes less mutually agreed upon.
So, yes it is possible for men and women to be friends. The man may never try to be more than friends, but just understand that he is probably looking at you differently than you are looking at him and don’t be angry with him if he one day expresses different feelings.
Psychotherapy Can Achieve Positive, Lasting Change
“The changes we practice become our nature.” That sentiment is at the core of the problem-oriented approach to psychotherapy used by Atlanta psychiatrist Dr. Tracey Marks to help her patients find workable and lasting solutions to life’s challenges. Emphasizing Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy and Psychodynamic Therapy, Dr. Marks provides her patients with the support they need to tackle their toughest challenges while guiding them on their journey to discover and learn the skills necessary to make positive and lasting changes in their lives.
“Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy replaces non-productive habits of thought and behavior with new ways of perceiving situations, thinking about them, and acting within them to achieve more satisfying outcomes,” Dr. Marks explains. “It’s based on the realization that you can choose your thoughts.”
Using Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Dr. Marks assists her patients in recognizing non-productive thinking patterns that result in negative, distorted behavior. She teaches her patients to replace those negative patterns with positive, affirming thoughts that motivate the desired behavior. “Changing your thinking pattern can change your outlook, your behavior, and your life,” asserts Dr. Marks. She guides her patients in recognizing and embracing positive, productive thought and behavior processes that will change their lives for the better.
Dr. Marks uses Psychodynamic Therapy, or insight-oriented therapy, to help patients discover the motivating source that explains their behavior. By gaining insight into the relationships and events that drive attitude and behavior, patients are better able to understand harmful behaviors and work to replace them with positive, productive thoughts and actions.
“Sometimes just realizing where we acquired an irrational fear, belief, or habit is enough by itself to free us from it,” explains Dr. Marks. “Other times it provides us the conviction or the understanding to work on changing an attitude or a reaction that we know is harmful.”
As a medical doctor, Dr. Marks has the knowledge and experience to correctly assess the source of your symptoms and personal challenges. She has the expertise to identify the proper treatment and the skill to guide you in learning to face your challenges with success. Understanding the unique individuality of each patient, Dr. Marks works closely with each patient to develop a personal treatment plan that is best suited to their individual needs and goals.
When Does Parental Involvement Become Meddling?
Parents today pride themselves on how tuned in they are to their children. They coach their soccer teams, drive them to karate and gymnastics classes, chaperone field trips, and work the pancake breakfast. They enjoy spending time with their children and their friends. But many parents have trouble finding the right balance between being involved in their children’s lives and meddling. They friend their children’s friends on Facebook. They “help” their children with school projects. They pick up job applications and some have even attended job interviews with their children.
Such over-involvement is problematic, psychologists say. Stepping over the line from monitoring your child’s activities to active participation blurs the necessary demarcation between parent and child. Friending your child on Facebook allows you to appropriately monitor his online activities, but friending your child’s friends interferes with his ability to develop independence. Parents who assume too much responsibility for their children’s lives rob them of the experiences necessary to learn life skills and opportunities to practice responsibility.
“The responsibility of being a parent has diminished,” elementary school teacher Linda Graves told reporter Martin Rozenman of The Columbus (OH) Dispatch in an April 16, 2009 article. “I think, because of their limited time, parents want to be the good guy — the friend rather than the disciplinarian.”
The problem is exacerbated when parents try to relive the glories of their own youth — whether real or unattained — through their children. Even when children have an interest in these activities, parental pressure to succeed can create anxiety that overpowers any pleasure the child might experience.
“It’s one thing to enjoy the success of your kids, but, when parents’ self-esteem is based on their kids’ success, it’s horribly self-destructive. Kids crumble under that pressure or succeed and are really unhappy,” California psychologist Jim Taylor, author of two books on parenting, told The Dispatch’s Rozenman.
There are healthy ways for parents to be involved in their children’s lives. Eating dinner as a family, turning off the TV and playing a board game once a week, and vacationing together will bring you closer to your children without crowding their space.
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