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My commentary

I think it’s worth emphasizing the following point: there is a difference between a woman who simply earns more money and one who takes the dominant “alpha” position in the marriage. It’s not about the dollars as earning more money does not necessarily make you an alpha or cause marital problems.

The true dominant alpha woman is the one who is at risk of emasculating her husband and that’s where the problems lies. Many woman in this position can feel resentful because they are doing all the heavy lifting in the marriage in terms of working, bringing home money and being the point person as wife and mommy.

After a while she can start asking herself “what’s he contributing?” It is this mindset that causes the problems and not simply the money.

More to come on this topic…

Toxic relationships are those that sap you of energy, like being chewed and spit out.  There are various reasons people hold on to toxic relationships and sometimes the process of becoming disentangled is harder than it was to get involved in the first place.

But just a toxic substance is poison to your body, toxic relationships are poison to your soul.

Let’s look at some strategies on how to detect a potential toxic relationship:

1. Don’t expect people to change. People can make changes over time, especially if they work at.  But it is a mistake to let yourself be attracted to a person’s potential rather that what you see in front of you today.
2. Do get to know the person on a deep level.  Conversations on serious topics often reveal the person’s character.  If you can get a sense of this early on, it will be easier to avoid getting involved. 
3. Do study the person’s history. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. It is very tempting to think “things will be different with me.” But they won’t. Chances are the same issues that presented themselves in the past will recur even it if takes a different form. For example, unless a person undergoes a major intervention (such as professional help) to overcome anger, they will continue to be angry with you.
4. Do check for signs of manipulative behavior. Manipulative and controlling behavior is a norm in many toxic relationships. Some people need to control to feel validated.  One classic sign of manipulation is heavy use of if-then statements.  “If you really cared about me, you would do [fill in the blank].”  If you find yourself often being drawn to do things you don’t want to do and/or feeling guilty about it, you’re probably being manipulated. 
5. Do keep a list of qualities to evaluate in a potential partner. This is a good exercise that may help you get a handle on what type of people you attract or pursue. It’s best to downplay superficial attraction and focus on personality or specific traits. Unlike looks, attitudes are harder to shape.

The most obvious application of these strategies is with romantic relationships. But toxic friendships and acquaintances also negatively impact our quality of life. Work to eliminate all toxic relationships. It will be a gradual process, but can reap great rewards in achieving a peace of mind.

Understanding Conflict Begins with Opening Your Mind and Heart

In most cases, conflict management and resolution can begin the moment you are able to examine the conflict level-headedly. You are in a better position to present appropriate solutions to the conflict when you are well rested and calm. Here are some techniques to steer you to the right direction:

• Do not allow emotions to cloud your perspective. Raise your concerns in a respectful manner. Be attentive to what the other person has to say, and request the same attention for yourself as well. Focus on what the problem is, not on who is to blame. Avoid personal attacks. Character assassination will only compound the present conflict. In case you find it awkward to initiate even a civil dialogue with the person that you’re at conflict with, then seek the aid of a third party to mediate your conversation.

• Find a common ground where you can begin your discussion. Start your discussion with an interest or concern that you mutually agree on. For instance, if you and your sibling are fighting over your inheritance claims, you can begin your dialogue by admitting that you both want the same thing: a fair and rightful share of your parent’s real estate property. A common start allows you to move forward with your discussion.

• Aim for win-win solutions. A sense of imbalance and inequality can compound conflicts. When you sit with the other person, try to work together towards a mutually beneficial resolution to your disagreement or conflict. When you brainstorm as a team, you’ll realize that you are actually developing each other’s ideas. Remember that your goal is common: a peaceable win-win solution for both of you.

• Set standards that you intend to follow. These standards can govern how you and the other person relate to each other in the future. In the event some disagreements do recur, both of you will have some protocol to follow, and you can then act on the conflict systematically and proactively.

The Futility of Resolving Some Conflicts Does Not Imply Defeat

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” – You probably heard this line from the famous serenity prayer. Elegant as it sounds, the deed can be hard to put into action. Do your best to manage and resolve conflicts. However, do not be discouraged if you fail. Perhaps the time has just come for you to accept the way things are. When your situation reaches this point, remember to:

• Let go. Give up your hold on stressful situations and on your repeated but failed attempts to resolve them. Forget about the conflict, and you will create enough space for yourself to explore newer situations and better opportunities.

• Express yourself. Bare your truest and innermost emotions with a person or group that you trust. You will feel at peace once you have purged your heart from every piece of hatred, hurt and frustration that you accumulated during the conflict.

• Stay positive. It’s possible for you to draw out something positive from the most negative situation available. Just imagine how much insight you gained about preserving relationships, maintaining open communication and learning to forgive. A positive attitude speeds up your recovery from a traumatic experience.

• Counter pain with forgiveness. Forgiveness lessens the pains that accompany the conflict. All people make mistakes. By learning to accept that the human race is marred with imperfections, you can move past the anger and hurt more quickly. You can then tend to healing yourself and finding reasons to be happy again.

While persistent headaches, fatigue, frequent forgetfulness and decreased productivity can be signs of illness, stress is often the culprit. Stress can affect your body physically, can impair thoughts and emotions, and can impact behavior.

• Physically, excessive or long-term stress can cause headache, back pain, chest pain, high blood pressure, erratic heart beat, stomach and intestinal problems, and sleep problems. Persistent stress can decrease your immunity to disease and cause heart disease.
• Emotionally, persistent stress can cause anxiety, restlessness, excessive worry, irritability, sadness, anger, feelings of insecurity, inability to concentrate and forgetfulness. Left untreated, stress can lead to serious depression.
• Behavior changes associated with constant stress include overeating or undereating, problems managing and controlling anger, drug or alcohol abuse, increased smoking, social withdrawal, crying spells and relationship conflicts.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms of excessive or chronic stress, it is important to seek medical help. Naturally, a trip to your primary care physician to rule out and address any physical illness that may be responsible for your symptoms is in order. However, if chronic stress is the source of your symptoms, you will have to go beyond your primary care physician to cure what ails you. 

Chronic stress can be treated and overcome and you can learn to live a happier, more balanced, relatively stress-free life. With the help and guidance of a psychiatrist experienced in stress management, you can learn to recognize your personal stressors and how they impact your life and health. Through cognitive-behavioral therapy, an experienced psychiatrist can help you learn to recognize and control your reaction to stress. With expert guidance, you can learn new techniques for responding to stressful situations and people. You don’t have to let control your life. With help, you can learn to control stress and regain control of your life.

“Kids like to know what to expect,” Claire Kamp Dush, OSU assistant professor of human development and family science and study author, told The Columbus Dispatch. She explained that creating family stability means maintaining the status quo. Study data indicate that single mothers who do not move in with a new partner or remarry create the most stable home environments for their children. When home life was stable, Kamp Dush found no difference in levels of academic achievement, cognitive stimulation, emotional support or behavioral problems between children from single-parent and traditional married-couple homes.

Some researchers see a connection between stability and financial resources. Many other studies have found differences between children’s welfare and happiness in single-parent and married-couple homes. Many of those differences are rooted in financial circumstances and quality of education. When poverty enters into the equation, it can tip the balance against stable home life.

Single mothers worried about finances are more likely to suffer anxiety, depression and other emotional problems that can significantly impair the stability of home life. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 50% of children born to single mothers live below the poverty level. Statistics posted by The Heritage Foundation indicate that 35% of divorced mothers who receive child support and 42% of those who don’t live below the poverty line.

If you are struggling with single parenthood, a qualified psychiatrist like Dr. Tracey Marks can help you deal with the anger, anxiety, grief or depression you may be experiencing so that you can provide a stable home for your children.