Escape from Toxic Relationships

Toxic relationships are those that sap you of energy, like being chewed and spit out.  There are various reasons people hold on to toxic relationships and sometimes the process of becoming disentangled is harder than it was to get involved in the first place.

But just a toxic substance is poison to your body, toxic relationships are poison to your soul.

Let’s look at some strategies on how to detect a potential toxic relationship:

1. Don’t expect people to change. People can make changes over time, especially if they work at.  But it is a mistake to let yourself be attracted to a person’s potential rather that what you see in front of you today.
2. Do get to know the person on a deep level.  Conversations on serious topics often reveal the person’s character.  If you can get a sense of this early on, it will be easier to avoid getting involved. 
3. Do study the person’s history. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. It is very tempting to think “things will be different with me.” But they won’t. Chances are the same issues that presented themselves in the past will recur even it if takes a different form. For example, unless a person undergoes a major intervention (such as professional help) to overcome anger, they will continue to be angry with you.
4. Do check for signs of manipulative behavior. Manipulative and controlling behavior is a norm in many toxic relationships. Some people need to control to feel validated.  One classic sign of manipulation is heavy use of if-then statements.  “If you really cared about me, you would do [fill in the blank].”  If you find yourself often being drawn to do things you don’t want to do and/or feeling guilty about it, you’re probably being manipulated. 
5. Do keep a list of qualities to evaluate in a potential partner. This is a good exercise that may help you get a handle on what type of people you attract or pursue. It’s best to downplay superficial attraction and focus on personality or specific traits. Unlike looks, attitudes are harder to shape.

The most obvious application of these strategies is with romantic relationships. But toxic friendships and acquaintances also negatively impact our quality of life. Work to eliminate all toxic relationships. It will be a gradual process, but can reap great rewards in achieving a peace of mind.

Moving Past Conflicts

Though a normal part of life, conflicts are never easy to manage. Deeply rooted ones can take a serious toll on your physical, mental and spiritual well-being. What is worse is that when you allow past conflicts to highlight the imperfection of your relationship with others, you will find it more challenging to move on with your life. Yes, moving past deeply rooted conflicts can be difficult, but the task is not impossible. It requires the right approach to conflict management and resolution.

Understanding Conflict Begins with Opening Your Mind and Heart

In most cases, conflict management and resolution can begin the moment you are able to examine the conflict level-headedly. You are in a better position to present appropriate solutions to the conflict when you are well rested and calm. Here are some techniques to steer you to the right direction:

• Do not allow emotions to cloud your perspective. Raise your concerns in a respectful manner. Be attentive to what the other person has to say, and request the same attention for yourself as well. Focus on what the problem is, not on who is to blame. Avoid personal attacks. Character assassination will only compound the present conflict. In case you find it awkward to initiate even a civil dialogue with the person that you’re at conflict with, then seek the aid of a third party to mediate your conversation.

• Find a common ground where you can begin your discussion. Start your discussion with an interest or concern that you mutually agree on. For instance, if you and your sibling are fighting over your inheritance claims, you can begin your dialogue by admitting that you both want the same thing: a fair and rightful share of your parent’s real estate property. A common start allows you to move forward with your discussion.

• Aim for win-win solutions. A sense of imbalance and inequality can compound conflicts. When you sit with the other person, try to work together towards a mutually beneficial resolution to your disagreement or conflict. When you brainstorm as a team, you’ll realize that you are actually developing each other’s ideas. Remember that your goal is common: a peaceable win-win solution for both of you.

• Set standards that you intend to follow. These standards can govern how you and the other person relate to each other in the future. In the event some disagreements do recur, both of you will have some protocol to follow, and you can then act on the conflict systematically and proactively.

The Futility of Resolving Some Conflicts Does Not Imply Defeat

“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” – You probably heard this line from the famous serenity prayer. Elegant as it sounds, the deed can be hard to put into action. Do your best to manage and resolve conflicts. However, do not be discouraged if you fail. Perhaps the time has just come for you to accept the way things are. When your situation reaches this point, remember to:

• Let go. Give up your hold on stressful situations and on your repeated but failed attempts to resolve them. Forget about the conflict, and you will create enough space for yourself to explore newer situations and better opportunities.

• Express yourself. Bare your truest and innermost emotions with a person or group that you trust. You will feel at peace once you have purged your heart from every piece of hatred, hurt and frustration that you accumulated during the conflict.

• Stay positive. It’s possible for you to draw out something positive from the most negative situation available. Just imagine how much insight you gained about preserving relationships, maintaining open communication and learning to forgive. A positive attitude speeds up your recovery from a traumatic experience.

• Counter pain with forgiveness. Forgiveness lessens the pains that accompany the conflict. All people make mistakes. By learning to accept that the human race is marred with imperfections, you can move past the anger and hurt more quickly. You can then tend to healing yourself and finding reasons to be happy again.

Learning to Recognize Symptoms of Stress

The nagging headache starts at the office. You feel tired. You’re having trouble concentrating. Your productivity starts to suffer, and you begin to wonder if you’re coming down with the flu. By the time you get home you’re ready to tuck yourself into bed. The chills and fever never materialize but your symptoms don’t go away.

While persistent headaches, fatigue, frequent forgetfulness and decreased productivity can be signs of illness, stress is often the culprit. Stress can affect your body physically, can impair thoughts and emotions, and can impact behavior.

• Physically, excessive or long-term stress can cause headache, back pain, chest pain, high blood pressure, erratic heart beat, stomach and intestinal problems, and sleep problems. Persistent stress can decrease your immunity to disease and cause heart disease.
• Emotionally, persistent stress can cause anxiety, restlessness, excessive worry, irritability, sadness, anger, feelings of insecurity, inability to concentrate and forgetfulness. Left untreated, stress can lead to serious depression.
• Behavior changes associated with constant stress include overeating or undereating, problems managing and controlling anger, drug or alcohol abuse, increased smoking, social withdrawal, crying spells and relationship conflicts.

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms of excessive or chronic stress, it is important to seek medical help. Naturally, a trip to your primary care physician to rule out and address any physical illness that may be responsible for your symptoms is in order. However, if chronic stress is the source of your symptoms, you will have to go beyond your primary care physician to cure what ails you. 

Chronic stress can be treated and overcome and you can learn to live a happier, more balanced, relatively stress-free life. With the help and guidance of a psychiatrist experienced in stress management, you can learn to recognize your personal stressors and how they impact your life and health. Through cognitive-behavioral therapy, an experienced psychiatrist can help you learn to recognize and control your reaction to stress. With expert guidance, you can learn new techniques for responding to stressful situations and people. You don’t have to let control your life. With help, you can learn to control stress and regain control of your life.

Stability, Not Marriage, Key to Kids’ Happiness

A new study by an Ohio State University researcher found that it is the stability of the parent and the home, not marital status, that determines whether divorced children will thrive and be happy. The study found that children who grow up with a single mother are as likely to succeed academically and socially as those who grow up in traditional married-couple homes if the parent is emotionally stable and the home environment is stable. Published in the book Marriage and Family: Perspectives and Complexities, the study bolsters support for single-parents, gay couples, children being raised by grandparents or relatives, and other non-traditional families.

“Kids like to know what to expect,” Claire Kamp Dush, OSU assistant professor of human development and family science and study author, told The Columbus Dispatch. She explained that creating family stability means maintaining the status quo. Study data indicate that single mothers who do not move in with a new partner or remarry create the most stable home environments for their children. When home life was stable, Kamp Dush found no difference in levels of academic achievement, cognitive stimulation, emotional support or behavioral problems between children from single-parent and traditional married-couple homes.

Some researchers see a connection between stability and financial resources. Many other studies have found differences between children’s welfare and happiness in single-parent and married-couple homes. Many of those differences are rooted in financial circumstances and quality of education. When poverty enters into the equation, it can tip the balance against stable home life.

Single mothers worried about finances are more likely to suffer anxiety, depression and other emotional problems that can significantly impair the stability of home life. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 50% of children born to single mothers live below the poverty level. Statistics posted by The Heritage Foundation indicate that 35% of divorced mothers who receive child support and 42% of those who don’t live below the poverty line.

If you are struggling with single parenthood, a qualified psychiatrist like Dr. Tracey Marks can help you deal with the anger, anxiety, grief or depression you may be experiencing so that you can provide a stable home for your children.

Do We Teach Our Children to Lie?

Children learn by example. Parents can tell their children all manner of “dos” and “don’ts,” but what they learn is what they see parents do. Most children have learned how to lie by age 3 and are lying several times a day by age 6. Parents may actually encourage their children to lie by telling them to thank grandma for the ugly shirt ”so you don’t hurt her feelings.” 

Children learn to lie by listening to and watching their parents. They notice when parents call in sick to take a day off. They catch us out — sometimes embarrassingly — when we criticize family or friends at home then act nice in person. They watch us drive over the speed limit. They hear us make up a story at the store so we can return an item without a receipt. Adults use lying to cope with their own foibles and to fit in socially. As a society we may view lying as immoral and repellent, but studies have found that, socially, people who regularly embroider the truth are perceived as friendlier. Adults consider small fibs a normal and necessary part of social discourse (see our August 14 blog post).

Children hear their parents lie every day. While adults differentiate between little white lies, which we deem socially acceptable, even socially necessary, and big, hurtful lies, children do not. They see the world in black and white, right or wrong; there are no shades of gray in a young child’s mind. When adult behavior doesn’t match our admonishment that lying is wrong, our children are confused. They are unable to distinction between adult behavior and child behavior. Children strive to emulate the adults in their lives. If those adults regularly lie to other adults or to the child, children will perceive lying as acceptable, not wrong.

The problem, of course, is that even though we engage in small fibs ourselves, we take offense and feel betrayed when someone — including our child — lies to us, even when the lie is small. Lying degrades trust and trust is the bedrock on which strong relationships are built. Once trust is lost, it is difficult to regain. Suspicion can linger for years. Even if it’s painful, most of us would rather be told the truth. Perhaps that’s the lesson we should be teaching our children.

Is Lying Good for You?

We preach the value of honesty to our children, and we espouse honesty as one of the most valued goals of society; yet most people lie every day. One study found that most people lie at least once a day and some as often as two to three times every 10 minutes. We have an ambivalent relationship with lying. We believe it to be morally wrong but have no compunction about lying when it serves our purpose.

We tell our spouse the pants don’t look too tight when they do. We complement our mother-in-law on a barely edible meal. We tell our children “maybe” when we mean “no.” We thank our mom for the birthday sweater we can’t wait to return. We drop $10 off the price when we tell our spouse how much we paid. We invent a prior engagement when we don’t want to accept an invitation. We tell the plumber the check is in the mail. We lie about our weight when we renew our driver’s license. We interrupt our work and paste a welcoming smile on our face when our gabby aunt drops by for an unexpected visit. We lie to ourselves about how often we exercise and how many cookies we ate.

Now researchers are saying that those little white lies may be good for us. “We use lies to grease the wheels of social discourse,” University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman said in an article on U.S. News & World Report online. “It’s socially useful to tell lies.”

Psychiatrists say we bend and embellish the truth for all sorts of reasons. We lie to protect ourselves and those we love, to seek an advantage at work, to excuse poor behavior, to appear more important, and to pump up our self-esteem. Experts believe that slightly inflating the truth can have a positive psychological effect and may even create a self-fulfilling prophecy. In a recent study, college students who inflated their GPA later improved their grades. ”Exaggerators tend to be more confident and have higher goals for achievement,” explained study co-author Richard Gramzow, a psychologist at England’s University of Southampton.

More about lying on Monday

Put the Chill on Heat Wave Anger

When the temperature rises, tempers flare. It doesn’t take long in 90-degree heat for small irritations to ignite into angry rants. The frequency and volume of childish squabbles escalates. Frustrated parents lose their cool and yell at their kids. Spousal bickering escalates to angry arguments. When it’s hot outside, everyone gets more than a little cranky. 

It’s hard to keep your emotional cool when your body feels like it’s frying. Sweat, dehydration and exhaustion overwhelm us physically when the mercury climbs into the high 80s and 90s. Heat can increase heart rate and elevate blood pressure. The physical toll chips away at our emotional defenses, eroding our ability to cope with life’s ordinary challenges. Fueled by the heat, people who are normally pleasant and patient can become unreasonable and irritable. They snap and they snarl at the slightest irritation, lashing out at the closest target — often a spouse or child.

Psychologists and criminal justice authorities have long known that heat waves cause a spike in crime rates. Heat tends to make people more argumentative. They’re more likely to react to irritants without thinking. Iowa State University professor of psychology Craig Anderson who has studied the phenomenon told the Selma Times-Journal online, “Being uncomfortable colors the way people see things. Minor insults may be perceived as major ones, inviting retaliation.”

When the mercury climbs, your best defense against an emotional meltdown is a good offense. Cool down your body to cool off your psyche. Here are a few tips guaranteed to dial down your discomfort level during the dog days of August and help you keep your cool in the heat:

• Turn on the air conditioning and augment airflow with fans. No A/C? Mist yourself with water and sit near a fan.
• Chill out at the local shopping mall (most have a play area), senior center, public library or take in a movie.
• Wear loose, light-weight, cotton clothing. Declare a swimsuit day at home.
• Take cool showers. Let the kids play in a cool tub.
• Spend the day at the pool or beach.
• Fill up the kiddie pool and turn on the sprinkler. Join the kids in a water fight.
• Stay hydrated and eat some salty snacks. Avoid alcohol which can increase heat stress.

What’s Love Got to Do With It? Everything!

Love is the force that binds us, one to another. A husband’s love for his wife, a mother’s love for her child, the love shared by siblings, the love of lifelong friendships — these are the ties that define us as human beings. Love gives us the courage to persevere in the face of life’s challenges. It gives us the resilience to bounce back from disappointments and comforts us in times of tragedy. Love adds sweetness to life’s successes and allows us to share its joys. What’s love got to do with life? Everything!

So, what happens when love ends? When a spouse or partner dies? Or love crashes on the jagged reef of divorce? The loss of love can have dangerous mental and physical repercussions that exact a toll beyond normal grief. A new study found that the lingering stress caused by the loss of a spouse or partner to death or divorce increased the risk of chronic illness. Men and women who were divorced or widowed were 20% more likely than married people to develop heart disease, diabetes or cancer, according to a recent survey of 8,600 adults from 51 to 61 years old by University of Chicago researchers.

The ending of a long-term relationship, whether from death or divorce, “really destroys financial assets, and it destroys health assets in the same way,” said University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, a co-author of the study. Financial strain, loneliness and uncertainty about the future create significant emotional stress. For some, the necessity of moving into more affordable housing or housing that is physically easier to maintain adds additional loss to their grief. Divorcing couples must cope with their children’s feelings of loss as well as their own. The duties once shared by two parents can feel overwhelming when only one parent is shouldering the burden. Combined, these things add to the burden of grief that follows the loss of a loved one, creating a persistent, overwhelming feeling of stress.

Over time, continuous stress erodes both our physical and mental health. Stress from grief or marital strife weakens the immune system, making us more susceptible to chronic disease, depression and anxiety. Strengthening existing relationships and building new relationships can help ease the strain, but some people will need professional psychiatric help to weather the storm and deal with their loss.

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